By The Way

When we first met, I didn’t know, I don’t even remember the first time I looked into your eyes. I remember that you were different, I remember Anni told me you were so annoying, she said all you could talk about was Iran. I remember that you were in love with Ellie you would write her emails about your undying love, and call her on the phone and sing with each other, she would call me up later and we would laugh about you and how romantic you were.

I never believed in love, probably because I never believed anyone could fall in love with me. I believed in laughter, in the way the stars stretch through space, and that finding god is sticky.

I remember you and I were both in gifted and talented class with Mrs. Woodhouse, she inspired me, and I started talking again. I remember sitting in Mr. Jay’s seventh grade math class, at seven in the morning for bible study, I don’t remember what we did, but I know I sat there,

I remember when we went to Haiti in ninth grade, I had just come home from Hungary, and my best friend was Sara, I couldn’t stand you. I was so angry, at everyone but especially you, I remember you were so sure about God and I felt like I was floating in space, I hated how you always new that god was real and you always wanted to tell people. I wanted to be silent, I didn’t like the answers.

What made us so different? I didn’t want to say anything, you wanted to say everything.

I remember calling Ellie on the phone and saying that I could never ever marry you. I remember praying to god that I wouldn’t have to marry you.

Even then I had a feeling, I knew my prayers were in vain, I told god what I wanted and god told me that I needed time.

I took some time, I remember high school and I still didn’t like you, but you went out with Wendy and she wanted me to like you. I tried. I didn’t like you. You tried too hard, I tried too, I just didn’t want people to know I was trying. I refused to make friends so I couldn’t be rejected, you threw yourself into the world, I watched you turn into someone I liked even less then the boy who was so sure of god, you were the boy who needed approval.

I do not do well with weakness, I think you should push it deep inside yourself and never let anyone see it. Don’t cry when your hurt, don’t put yourself in situations where you are not in control. You were reckless, pushing your way through life, I was safe, sitting in corners, answering the questions I knew the answers to and leaving the rest of life blank.

Then one day I woke up, I saw the colors around me, I met people who found new ways to live, and I still didn’t like you, but I didn’t hate you. I still didn’t know what god meant, but I was finding sticky places, and I liked it their. I don’t remember when, but one day you were different I remembered all the times I laughed with you in between the times I couldn’t stand you, and I felt like that person had come out to play with me.

I thought about you for days, I hardly saw you, I moved away and I still thought of you. I came home and I saw you and I felt something I never felt, and I started to let my self get hurt. I let myself be weak, I think I made the wrong choice, but I couldn’t stop myself, the sticky parts of my life were starting to turn into my whole life. That summer, that’s when I knew, I didn’t hate you and I stopped asking god to keep me from marring you and started asking god to let me marry you. I remember I laughed, I sat in the sunset with you all orange and gold and I didn’t know what to do. And I knew it was you.

I remember I wanted to stay friends with you and it was hard, and I was getting hurt. And that night in the car when you told me you didn’t believe in god.

I remember that was when I liked you most, because then I knew you shared my weakness.

Now I’m sitting at home late at night, and I still like you and I am trying to run away and still like you, and its sticky and now I get hurt more often but its not easier. I’m sorry I’m sticky and I don’t have good answers and I want to know what’s coming next.

I’m still scared sitting in the corner. I’m trying to say something when I don’t know the answer.

Well!

I remember the first day we met.

I thought you were strange

You talked too much

We sat next to each other every Thursday morning

And all the other kids would gather round us,

We would entertain them

I didn’t like you (but secretly I kind of did)

But I don’t tell people what I really think…

Except for you

I always told you when I thought you were being mean, when I thought you had no backbone, and when I saw a fault I gladly pointed it out.

You were not as excited as I was

And you were kind of a baby,

I was kind of cold

You were so emotional

I don’t know what to do with you!

I waited all week to be with you

Hours spent wasting by the phone, I am not that girl, I do not waste.

I am not dependent on how other people feel about me…

So why am I waiting by the phone, waiting for your call… your text… your anything

You should be so lucky as to wait for me.

Why don’t you know this?

So I will no longer be waiting.

.

.

.

well!

don't let the darkness eat you up

when i was a young girl we sat under trees,

you told me stories in the dark of night

you whispered the secrets of the universe into my ear.

and i fell in love

one day i woke up and walked to school,

i came home and called my sister

walked to the store

and ate 16 carrot sticks

i sat under trees and waited

i walked dark streets and i hoped to see your face

i stopped

i walked away

i made myself my own safe place

and i slowly faded away

Dark Dark Dark

i love macintosh apples, the ones you eat,

i love the dark red skins, the creamy white inside.

so bright its almost blinding...

if snow white ate a poison apple.

it would be a macintosh,

the texture on your tongue, its sweet and crisp, like a cold cloud.

when i sit down with you, drift into your arms,

when you lift my chin,

its like i'm sinking into that crisp apple.

that dark delicious

pure white

hopeful. hard. place.

don't drop me

Not Your Lover

I see things in stiff bright colors

And the words come tumbling out

I find my soul expanding

And then contracting

I wait for the unknown

And am not satisfied

I turn on sad songs

And go to sleep

I will not sleep, I will not wait

I see, I feel, I find,

And when I do, the world shines

Down Down Down

have you found out yet that it's hard to fall in love,

and even harder to fall in and out of it.

its emptying and each time it hurts.

why is it that for a week i can be ok,

even happy,

and then it hurts.

it hurts in my heart,

in my soul.

for a while i can fall asleep all by my self,

no help needed,

and then i need you next to me.

i was happy you were gone

i was free and the world seemed to have more air in it then before,

but now your back and i cant breath

and i cant focus

and i cant sleep.

help me,

let me go,

let me walk away,

let me find my own adventures.

i was happy when you went away.

i don't want to hurt you... i just want to save myself.

when i am with you its like i am drowning and only you can save me.

but i need to save myself,

here comes a feeling you thought you'd forgotten

he sets down his pen an looks right at her, deep eyes into darker eyes, away she went down the rabbit hole,

:not today:

(look away, look away, look away)

"i am glad your here, but i'm unhappy"

"what?"

"i want control of my mind back for a while.... give me a year or two, umm maybe six, i promise i still want you, i also need my own mind"

"i still need you"

"i need you too:i still want you:"

eyes shut