UNA

Una’s Life was rather black and white until the day that walter came along. If you were a window into her little room that she rented in the large and busy house in westwood, you would have seen a very tall plain girl, who wanted nothing better then to blend in. dressed in greys and blues, head bent low to the ground she walked to work, and then twice a week to the little market down the street. Otherwise she could be found in her little rented room with a book, and a cup of hot black tea, no sugar, no cream.

Are We Always

Are we one of those couples who fight and laugh all the time? But we are always running ahead so quickly, never noticing that we are not side by side, you are telling me the evils of modern life of I-pods draining our creativity and TV as the opiate of the masses, and I am telling you about the beauty of story telling, the way we transmit ancient crafts through modern marvels and all the while we are never noticing that are disagreeing, this seems to be our curse, always disagreeing never noticing until its already done and we are laughing at our mutual misconceptions, joking with out neighbors that we never know what the other is talking about, or what we are trying to say and yet… their we are smiling over dinner, you thought I was buying takeout and I thought you were cooking and we found ourselves eating plums and dark chocolate, the only things left in our cabinets and yet… we are happy, chatting about 90’s teen movies and the artistry of Steinbeck, and all the while unbeknownst to us we are unhappy. Still unaware that we are friends but not lovers, that we are fatally missing that person who understands us, hits our hearts where they are

By The Way

When we first met, I didn’t know, I don’t even remember the first time I looked into your eyes. I remember that you were different, I remember Anni told me you were so annoying, she said all you could talk about was Iran. I remember that you were in love with Ellie you would write her emails about your undying love, and call her on the phone and sing with each other, she would call me up later and we would laugh about you and how romantic you were.

I never believed in love, probably because I never believed anyone could fall in love with me. I believed in laughter, in the way the stars stretch through space, and that finding god is sticky.

I remember you and I were both in gifted and talented class with Mrs. Woodhouse, she inspired me, and I started talking again. I remember sitting in Mr. Jay’s seventh grade math class, at seven in the morning for bible study, I don’t remember what we did, but I know I sat there,

I remember when we went to Haiti in ninth grade, I had just come home from Hungary, and my best friend was Sara, I couldn’t stand you. I was so angry, at everyone but especially you, I remember you were so sure about God and I felt like I was floating in space, I hated how you always new that god was real and you always wanted to tell people. I wanted to be silent, I didn’t like the answers.

What made us so different? I didn’t want to say anything, you wanted to say everything.

I remember calling Ellie on the phone and saying that I could never ever marry you. I remember praying to god that I wouldn’t have to marry you.

Even then I had a feeling, I knew my prayers were in vain, I told god what I wanted and god told me that I needed time.

I took some time, I remember high school and I still didn’t like you, but you went out with Wendy and she wanted me to like you. I tried. I didn’t like you. You tried too hard, I tried too, I just didn’t want people to know I was trying. I refused to make friends so I couldn’t be rejected, you threw yourself into the world, I watched you turn into someone I liked even less then the boy who was so sure of god, you were the boy who needed approval.

I do not do well with weakness, I think you should push it deep inside yourself and never let anyone see it. Don’t cry when your hurt, don’t put yourself in situations where you are not in control. You were reckless, pushing your way through life, I was safe, sitting in corners, answering the questions I knew the answers to and leaving the rest of life blank.

Then one day I woke up, I saw the colors around me, I met people who found new ways to live, and I still didn’t like you, but I didn’t hate you. I still didn’t know what god meant, but I was finding sticky places, and I liked it their. I don’t remember when, but one day you were different I remembered all the times I laughed with you in between the times I couldn’t stand you, and I felt like that person had come out to play with me.

I thought about you for days, I hardly saw you, I moved away and I still thought of you. I came home and I saw you and I felt something I never felt, and I started to let my self get hurt. I let myself be weak, I think I made the wrong choice, but I couldn’t stop myself, the sticky parts of my life were starting to turn into my whole life. That summer, that’s when I knew, I didn’t hate you and I stopped asking god to keep me from marring you and started asking god to let me marry you. I remember I laughed, I sat in the sunset with you all orange and gold and I didn’t know what to do. And I knew it was you.

I remember I wanted to stay friends with you and it was hard, and I was getting hurt. And that night in the car when you told me you didn’t believe in god.

I remember that was when I liked you most, because then I knew you shared my weakness.

Now I’m sitting at home late at night, and I still like you and I am trying to run away and still like you, and its sticky and now I get hurt more often but its not easier. I’m sorry I’m sticky and I don’t have good answers and I want to know what’s coming next.

I’m still scared sitting in the corner. I’m trying to say something when I don’t know the answer.

Well!

I remember the first day we met.

I thought you were strange

You talked too much

We sat next to each other every Thursday morning

And all the other kids would gather round us,

We would entertain them

I didn’t like you (but secretly I kind of did)

But I don’t tell people what I really think…

Except for you

I always told you when I thought you were being mean, when I thought you had no backbone, and when I saw a fault I gladly pointed it out.

You were not as excited as I was

And you were kind of a baby,

I was kind of cold

You were so emotional

I don’t know what to do with you!

I waited all week to be with you

Hours spent wasting by the phone, I am not that girl, I do not waste.

I am not dependent on how other people feel about me…

So why am I waiting by the phone, waiting for your call… your text… your anything

You should be so lucky as to wait for me.

Why don’t you know this?

So I will no longer be waiting.

.

.

.

well!

don't let the darkness eat you up

when i was a young girl we sat under trees,

you told me stories in the dark of night

you whispered the secrets of the universe into my ear.

and i fell in love

one day i woke up and walked to school,

i came home and called my sister

walked to the store

and ate 16 carrot sticks

i sat under trees and waited

i walked dark streets and i hoped to see your face

i stopped

i walked away

i made myself my own safe place

and i slowly faded away

Dark Dark Dark

i love macintosh apples, the ones you eat,

i love the dark red skins, the creamy white inside.

so bright its almost blinding...

if snow white ate a poison apple.

it would be a macintosh,

the texture on your tongue, its sweet and crisp, like a cold cloud.

when i sit down with you, drift into your arms,

when you lift my chin,

its like i'm sinking into that crisp apple.

that dark delicious

pure white

hopeful. hard. place.

don't drop me

Not Your Lover

I see things in stiff bright colors

And the words come tumbling out

I find my soul expanding

And then contracting

I wait for the unknown

And am not satisfied

I turn on sad songs

And go to sleep

I will not sleep, I will not wait

I see, I feel, I find,

And when I do, the world shines

Down Down Down

have you found out yet that it's hard to fall in love,

and even harder to fall in and out of it.

its emptying and each time it hurts.

why is it that for a week i can be ok,

even happy,

and then it hurts.

it hurts in my heart,

in my soul.

for a while i can fall asleep all by my self,

no help needed,

and then i need you next to me.

i was happy you were gone

i was free and the world seemed to have more air in it then before,

but now your back and i cant breath

and i cant focus

and i cant sleep.

help me,

let me go,

let me walk away,

let me find my own adventures.

i was happy when you went away.

i don't want to hurt you... i just want to save myself.

when i am with you its like i am drowning and only you can save me.

but i need to save myself,

here comes a feeling you thought you'd forgotten

he sets down his pen an looks right at her, deep eyes into darker eyes, away she went down the rabbit hole,

:not today:

(look away, look away, look away)

"i am glad your here, but i'm unhappy"

"what?"

"i want control of my mind back for a while.... give me a year or two, umm maybe six, i promise i still want you, i also need my own mind"

"i still need you"

"i need you too:i still want you:"

eyes shut

The bearers of all good things arrive, climb inside us, twist and cry

she sits down

blue paper

blue pen

hand... ready

mind...

hmmm...

coming.

list

Things To Do

comm HW

HSC paper

...

sit in sun

Change world

marry walter

...

psy test

so... better do that,

light clicks off

crawl under comforter

close eyes

melt

nobody makes me feel this way

smooth ice. crisp stars. laughter. fingers tingle. cheeks numb. soft hands. your whispering in my ear. the cold is bitting my eyes. shiver. heart beat. face in neck. soap...

"i may be in love with you"

unknown. warm lips on my forehead. now cheeks. hmmm. no longer cold. brightest stars. ice skating on late january nights.

i don't want you but i need you

i like falling in love slowly.

first i dip my toes in the water, testing, waiting to see if its safe. worried. waiting. and ready to pull my feet out at the first ripple of trouble. timidly pushing myself further into the water.

up to my waist and now i'm waiting to be pulled in.

waiting quietly and scared to be loved.

waiting for you to make the journey from the depth to the shallow sandy bottom where i stand, and pull me in.

i'll gently fall, holding my breath, and then finding i am able to breath.

hey remember that time i would only eat boxes of tangerines

when she wakes up in the morning, the first thing she smells is him. 

she likes the quiet in the morning and the sound of the world around her not interrupted by the bustle of people. 

she loves the quiet meditation, and the way the world is silent, waiting for the first breath of life.

and then it begins, breath, movement, the toast pops up, her orange juice is fresh, she can feel the life rush down her throat.

she walks out her door, soft feet on warm pavement, down the steps, to the mail box, cold paper on her hands.

she begins to read, and finds herself at the dinning room table, comics first then the world.

teapot whistling, hot water through the tea leaves. 

upstairs andrew bird whistling,

the day begins

Yawny At The Apocalypse

He loves her because she loves 

the mornings, 

when she wakes up she makes breakfast, 

eggs sunny side up,

then she puts on andrew bird,

the song with the birds and then the violin comes, 

he wakes up with her face pressed into his neck and the sound of birds in his bedroom. then she kisses his jaw and wraps her arms around him pulling their comforter close around them. 

she likes falling asleep early in the night,

crawling into bed tired after a worthwhile day. 

she likes to dance before bed,

loud music,

hair flying, 

and then she falls into bed, 

breathing heavily, 

then more slowly, 

eyes closing, "come to bed" he always has to study, 

he comes to bed, 

listens to her fall asleep, 

and then the books.

The trees in the moonshine were a dark lattice

she walked through the olive trees, the sun touched the lips of the mountains ahead. she knew dusk would soon wear into night. she heard her footsteps crushing the dried brush at her feet. the end of summer, soon her softspoken world would come to an end. she felt the wind rush through the trees and over her neck, she sat on her knees, in the middle of the forest of golden trees, and waited.  an owl flew overhead,    the field mice crept away, then she heard him,  whistling a careless tune. off key but sweet none the less. his body swayed with the rhythm of his whistling, his easel swung beside him. she could feel him drawing nearer, she laid low in the grass. the dried grass crackled in alarm, he stopped, set down the easel and began to work, his whistle transformed to a hum. the notes formed upon his lips, she knew them from the town dance the month before. his slow methodical movement changed, he seemed almost violent now, the colors clashing and then finding there place. she watched the sky appear, stars peaking through the cracks in the night. she stood and began to walk, finishing what she had begun, but her mind was no longer clear, she began to run the branches whipped her face, her breath came faster, and then she was there where she had begun, the light rushed out to greet her, then came her love, his face flushed. 

dewy-eyed disney bride

She called him up. " I think I'm in love with you"

silence "I'm sorry, this wasn't as therapeutic as I thought it would be... can you speak, are we still friends, I didn't think this through, I'm.."

"Wait! i don't want to be your friend."

"oh... why did i do this. I am so.."

"No, i love you too"

"wait, what... when did this happen?"

"last summer."

"I never saw you,"

"i know it just happened, i've been stuck there ever since"

"i'm sorry, why didn't you ever say anything? i've been waiting for you"

"since when"

"8th grade."

"i didn't really realize it till this year either, but i think i knew it the whole time."

"why did you let me go thorough all your friends"

"why didn't you love me when we met?"

"... i ... i was just a boy"

"i was just a girl;      maybe this isn't what i wanted. i'm sorry"

"wait, this is, its just, your my best friend."

"Then why haven't we talked all year?"

"You live 2000 miles away"

"i don't know what that has to do with it"

"...you know in The Great Gatsby, how Gatsby has this unquenchable desire, for daisy; no matter what, well your my daisy, i had to make myself presentable." 

"i'm a mess, i dont know what i'm doing with my life, where i want to be in 10 days, and you feel the need to pull you life together, can't you just sit in the filth with me"

"i don't know this is just a part of who i am,"

"but i don't want your put together self, i want your real self, i want to wake up next to my honest love not my perfect love."